The Daily Prophet, Readers' Columns
by Padfoot Prongs and Moony
Summary: A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the 'Daily Prophet', by various members of the Wizarding World. R&R please!
1. Garden Gnomes Have Rights Too

****

The Daily Prophet, Readers' Columns

_A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the Daily Prophet, by various members of the Wizarding World_

Dear Readers,

I have decided – after the flood of letters I have received from people wishing to have work/articles etc, published in this newspaper – to create an entirely new section which is devoted to people in the wizarding world who wish to have their opinions, etc known. If you have anything you would like to see in print, please send it to the usual address!

Enjoy,

The Editor.

* * *

ISSUE ONE

Gnomes have rights too!

By: A Garden Gnome

Good Morning, Daily Prophet readers. I am a gnome. For all my years, and my father's, and grandfathers' years before me, we gnomes have been mistreated, abused, and severely neglected by The Ministry of Magic. We are magical creatures too! We are not your slaves, like house elves - we are not trying to kill you like centaurs! We just want to be left alone by witches and wizards trying to eject us from our natural habitats - by the Garden Pond.

I live in a large wizarding garden in Ottery St Catchpole. I have been thrown over the hedge of my garden in Ottery St Catchpole 46 times! Once, over 50 feet – which, although impressive, is UNACCEPTABLE! My brother has been so severely brain damaged by this vile treatment that yesterday he spent the entire day giggling hysterically in a Wellington boot, while a Kneazle tried to kill him!

Although the garden was full of wizards, not one tried to rescue my brother. In return for that, I must say I did bite the Boy-Who-Lived. The Wizarding World must take this as a Warning! We are not going to put up with this treatment any more! As you can see, my vicious attack on Harry Potter, was provoked. We gnomes are not violent creatures. There is nothing we like more than sitting by the pond and fishing the day away. But if we are not left in peace, brain-damaged or not, we will march on the Ministry and destroy the wizarding world!

You have been warned!

* * *

We realise this is very short, but it will be updated regularly, and with various members of the wizarding world writing in articles!

Feel free to check out the other sections of the Daily Prophet under 'Padfoot, Prongs and Moony'

Please Read and Review! We really appreciate any opinions/comments!

P,P,M


	2. Hufflepuffs aren’t ‘a bunch of old duffe...

**The Daily Prophet, Readers' Columns**

_**A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the Daily Prophet, by various members of the Wizarding World.**_

* * *

**Dear Readers', **

**I have decided – after the flood of letters I have received from people wishing to have work/articles e.t.c, published in his newspaper – to create an entirely new section, which is devoted to people in the wizarding worldwho wish to have their opinions e.t.c. known. If you have anything you would like to see in print, please send it to the usual address!**

**Enjoy, **

**The Editor.**

* * *

**Issue Two:**

**Hufflepuffs aren't 'a bunch of old duffers' **

**By Ernie Macmillan**

Good Morning Readers, I have decided to write an article into this very well-respected newspaper – read by all the right people – to defend my house at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and dispel the malicious rumour that the people in Hufflepuff house are 'a bunch of old duffers'. For any of you who were wondering, a duffer is, according to the 'Collins, English dictionary', printed in 1992, 'a stupid, inefficient person'. Now, anyone who has ever met me knows for a fact that I am not stupid. I am also extremely efficient.

No one else in the school, has, as yet, organised all their socks into different categories of colour, stretchiness, posh ness, and length. I am also proud to say, I have never, NEVER lost a sock in the wash. Now to must of you, that should have proved my point, but for the rest of you dunderheads (meaning, according to same dictionary 'blockhead', which when looked up led me too 'fool, simpleton'. I think you get my point) out there I will continue.

Hufflepuffs, for the last two years, have achieved a 67 pass rate, most people getting an A (as my friend Hannah Abbot informs me, this means 'Amazing'), and a surprising amount getting a T (Terrific) Hardly any other houses got the number of T's Hufflepuff received. I myself received three.

Faced with this information, I am sure that everyone, including the other three houses at Hogwarts, will agree we are not duffers (see translation above). I look forward to reading this article when a kindly Gryffindor or Ravenclaw gives me a copy. I'd also like to request no Slytherins wrap me up in the newspaper again and attempt to post me to Peru. My mum doesn't like me crumpling my shirt.

Ernie Macmillan

* * *

**I don't have anything against Hufflepuffs! It was just a random idea I got when I was re-reading the Philosophers Stone for the millionth time! Sorry if I offended any Hufflepuff fans! ;-p**

**I am totally blown away by the number of reviews I got for Chapter One! I just sincerely hope this has alerted as many people as possible to the plight of the Garden Gnome! At least bring him in when it rains!**

**abi freeman: Hopefully the punctuation will be better in this one – although I don't hold out too much hope as I have a long seated history of rubbish ness when it comes to grammar, and Moony isn't here to beta for me! I apologise in advance!******

**EmeraldBlackSnake: Thank you for faithfully reviewing every random idea we put up on this site!**

**Faint Hate: Thank you very much!**

**Desipoplover13: as usual, you are brilliant, we love you, and please update your story!**

**Petitange21: Thank you as well for reviewing everything we put up here! Once again, we really appreciate your translating the Lonely Hearts!**

**King Kazul: Thank you!**

**Duj: Thank You!**

**LadyRaven13: Thank You!**

**Scotgirl: Thank you! **

**Please R & R!**

**If we get enough reviews Ernie may be able to buy his way into a better house! Do it for Ernie! Do it for Hufflepuff!**

**P,P,M**


	3. The HouseElfLiberationFront HELF

**The Daily Prophet, Readers Columns**

**A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the Daily Prophet, by various members of the Wizarding World**

Dear Readers,

I have decided – after the flood of letters I have received from people wishing to have work/articles e.tc, published in this newspaper – to create an entirely new section, which is devoted to people in the wizarding world, who wish to have their opinions e.t.c. known. If you have anything you would like to see in print. Please send to the usual address!

Enjoy,

The Editor.

* * *

**Issue Three**

**The House-Elf-Liberation-Front (HELF)**

For just over a year now, I have been trying to alert the wizarding world to the dreadful plight of House Elves, condemned to slavery from birth, these creatures spend their entire lives working for lazy, rich wizarding families, even though families with house-elves are commonly very rich, they are still not paid.

I have therefore founded this Organisation to help the House Elves fight or fair wages and clean, good working conditions, we want respect for House-Elves and eventually a representative for them in the Ministry. I have enclosed a short interview with three House Elves which I would like the Wizarding World to read and judge themselves – What Have YOU done to help the plight of elves in your world?

If anyone would like to join, pay two sickles, which you can send through the Daily Prophet, and I will send you back a badge and some leaflets for you to distribute in your own area. For anyone who is interested, we are holding a demonstration, outside the Ministry in two weeks; people who believe House Elves should be given equal rights can meet me there! Together we will break down the restrictions!

**INTERVIEW WITH DOBBY (the House-Elf)**

Miss Granger: "Good Morning Dobby, now, you are a free House-Elf correct?"

Dobby: "Yes"

Miss Granger: "You get wages; fair living conditions and are happy with your job, correct?"

Dobby: "Yes Miss! Dobby wonders where you're going with this ..."

Miss Granger: "So you would recommend to other house-elves that their route to happiness would be to break down the bonds of servitude and demand payment for your work?"

Dobby: "If Miss would please not get Dobby involved in this ..."

Ron: "Hermione? Maybe we shouldn't have done this interview in the kitchens?"

Harry: "Yeah, I think they're still sore with you for last time ..."

Hermione: "Nonsense Harry, I'll just talk to them- aaarrrgggghhhh!"

Harry: "They've got Hermione! Ron! ... Ron?"

Dobby: "He went that way, Mr Harry, sir!"

Hermione: "Arrgggghhhh! Not the éclairs! Anything but the eclairs!

Harry –_wincing_-, "I err ... better go find him then Dobby, bye!"

Dobby: "Bye master Potter!"

Hermione:"But you can be freeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

**INTERVIEW WITH WINKY (the house Elf)**

Hermione: Winky was fired from her job most unjustly a few weeks ago by her old 'master' whose name I cannot mention for legal reasons cough-Crouch-cough. She is the prime candidate to explain how much happier a House-lf could be if they weren't working for a master! Good Morning Winky:

Winky: Hic!

Hermione: Please explain to us how much happier you are now you have your freedom?

Winky: Hic!

Hermione: -_hissing_- I'll give you a bottle of butterbeer if you say this! –_Rustling of papers_-

Winky: -top pops off butterbeer- Winky – hic- likes being –hic- fwee, its –hic- so much better than when Winky had to –hic- work for –hic- Mr Crouch!

-Bursts into tears-

Hermione: As you can see that is a second house elf that would rather have freedom any day! Help me help them, join HELF and liberate an elf today!

**LATER NOTE BY HERMIONE GRANGER:**

I would like to inform the Daily Prophet readers, that despite the astonishing lack of turnout, me, Harry and Ron, held our demonstration anyway and sold a lot of badges and leaflets to people walking past, and are confident the Ministry will soon take notice.

We are unfortunately being investigated by the Ministry, are several letters were written into Muggle newspapers about three children and an odd little man giving out badges to 'Save the Elves', even though that is not the title of our organisation, therefore I would like to request that anyone who believes what we were doing is right to sign a petition to release us from Mrs Weasleys broom shed.

Ron: Please!!!!!!

Harry: We're begging you!!!

Petition to free Harry, Ron and Hermione:

Dobby.

Colin Creevy

Derek Creevy.

**By Hermione Granger**

* * *

**Thank you for all the reviews! Sorry about how long it took us too update! **

**New Chapter coming soon!**


	4. How To Use a Fellytone

**The Daily Prophet, Readers' Columns**

_**A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the Daily Prophet, by various members of the Wizarding World**_

**Dear Readers,**

**I have decided – after the flood of letters I have received from people wishing to have work/articles etc, published in this newspaper – to create an entirely new section which is devoted to people in the wizarding world who wish to have their opinions, etc known. If you have anything you would like to see in print, please send it to the usual address!**

**Enjoy**,

**The Editor.**

**P.S In the last Issue there were a few comments on Miss Grangers organisation being called HELF, she would like to inform you that her previous organisation SPEW girly giggle went the way of most spew - down the toilet, so she decided to regroup under the title of his organisation, in the hope of drumming up more support for the plight of House Elves. Thankyou to everyone who added their name to the list, as yet we have no word from Mrs Weasley, but the Aurors are closing in so its only a matter of time.**

* * *

**HOW TO:**

**Use a Fellytone,**

**By Ron Weasley.**

The procedure to use a Fellytone is a very complex one. It requires a lot of skill and patience, and once you have done it, you see exactly why we wizards stick with owls ...

First of all, you have to find the Fellytone. This can be quite difficult, as most wizarding households won't come equipped with one. If this is your case, you must go into the Muggle world - scary, I know - and look for a big red cage with a metal box in it. Please do not confuse this with what Muggles call a "Letter Box". If, by any chance you managed to get into one of these "Letter Boxes" it is highly unlikely you would get out again, until a Muggle man wearing dark blue shorts comes to let you out. I think this man exists solely to let people out of the "Letter Box", or at least to free people's hands when they get them stuck in the gap, and he is instantly recognisable by his shorts, as he will wear them even when it snows - some kind of uniform, perhaps?

Anyway, once you have found the Fellytone Box, you have to make sure you have some Muggle Money. The one time I tried to use the Fellytone with wizard money, the Sickle I stuck into the hole decided it didn't want to go. It glowed bright purple, flew out of my hand and hit me on the head. I still have the scar to prove it ...

If you already have the Muggle Money, you can skip this bit. If you don't you will have to take a trip to Gringotts - I don't think Muggle banks will change our money. When I tried, they called some men in blue suits and tall hats for wasting their time. It wasn't these so-called Please-Men that scared me though. There was a woman near the door holding what looked like a snake attached to a red and black barrel on wheels called Henry. The snake roared at me and when it got too near me, it tried to suck my t-shirt off! I asked Dad if HE could change the money then ...

Right, so now you have the money, and you know where the Fellytone is. Go back to the Fellytone Box, step inside and shut the door. (From previous experience I have learned that this is to stop other Muggles hearing what the mad Muggle on the other end of the line is saying!)

Pick up the long black thing propped against the metal box on the wall. (Remember the position it is in, as you will have to return it later.) This is the "handset" and is the bit that you can speak through. Put it to your ear, with the curly string at the bottom, near your mouth. Once you have a long Fellytone-Use History, you may want to experiment holding the "handset" in different ways - I've seen Muggles propping them under their chins, but I wouldn't try this until you have the basic knowledge of Fellytones. Those things hurt when they fall on your toes, trust me.

Now you have to insert the Muggle Money into the slot. DON'T put your fingers in the slot as well. It is very painful and I know there is not a man who comes round to free you from this one, shorts-clad or not. Instead, Muggles think they can scare you into pulling your finger out by banging on the glass, three at a time and yelling "Hurry up! Get out of there! I need to use the phone!"

Hopefully, then, you have inserted the money and NOT your fingers, and you can now "dial the number". Usually, unless you are calling someone who lives a very long way from where you are at the moment, the Fellytone Number will be six, maybe five numbers long. If they live further away, you will have to add five numbers to the beginning, and if they live in a different country, you will have to 'dial' 0044 to start, then the country code. Very confusing, I know, but as a seasoned Fellytone-User, I have grasped these things.

Having dialled the number, the Fellytone will proceed to make a bunch of ringing noises. This is supposed to happen, and you should not run out of the Fellytone Box screaming that it is going to blow up, as the next Muggle that goes into the box will use your hard-to-get Muggle money, and you REALLY don't want to go through with THAT again ...

When the wizard (or perhaps enraged Muggle) has "answered the phone", usually they will say "Hello?" but you can be met with such expressions as a recitation of the phone number you have dialled followed by "How can I help you?" Now you can talk NORMALLY to the person on the other end - don't make the very common mistake of shouting into the "handset"; they won't appreciate it.

Sometimes, however, the person you are calling may be out. In this case, the "Answermachine" kicks in. It sounds just like your friend, and it talks to you, but it isn't the person you know. I have come to the conclusion that families rich enough to have a Fellytone also employ a person to sit next to the Fellytone all the time. They change their voice to make it like your friend's, and you tell them the message to pass on later. This "Answermachine" will say something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry, but Mr Black isn't in right now, but if you leave your name and Fellytone number after the beep, I will try and get back to you later. Doooooo ..."

After the "Doooooo" (or sometimes "Deeeeee") the "Answermachine" will stop talking, and you should leave your name and ... maybe not your Fellytone number, as, if Mr Black decided to call back when you weren't there, an innocent Muggle would find himself drawn to the Box and talk to someone they have never heard of before.

When you have finished your "phone call" or left your message, you then put the "handset" back where it was when you entered the Fellytone Box. You can now open the door and walk out, past the queues of people who have been waiting to use the Fellytone while you have been figuring out how it works.

* * *

**Please Read and Review! We really appreciate any opinions/comments!**

**P.S- In last weeks issue I (Padfoot) made a mistake regarding the name of Colin Creevey's little brother, I know his name is Dennis and don't have a clue why I put Derek!! But hey, we're all human!!**

**Thanks for all the lovely Reviews!!**

**P,P,M**


End file.
